For all the times that you made me feel small

There’s this quote I saw on Instagram, “we will never understand black holes. Or why women fall madly in love with douchebags.”

When I left my last relationship I promised myself I would never fall down that dark hole again, but like most promises, it was broken. The thing was you never were a douchebag, until months after we ended. We met, became friends; you were never rude, nothing but caring, and friendly to me, leading up to when we tried “us”. Everything fit for a bit, then quickly broke apart.

Last summer was honestly one of the best I’ve ever had. My sucky second semester which started as getting over my ex, spending my Friday nights avoiding my friends and watching Nashville turned into the point where I was extremely happy again. The summer was my new beginning with new friends and even working for a baseball team – my life was sweet. Everything was different and I loved it. After Spoon Vermont became successful, everything in my life was falling together. I had everything; great friends, school was good, and my club was starting to see some real progress. The last thing on my mind was being with someone. Being with you was the last thing I thought would ever cross my mind months later.  

This brings up the question: How can I, someone who has their life completely together, be thinking about you at 11 on a Tuesday as I write this to try to forget you? Maybe it’s because when I was with you everything seemed to fall together. My life is complicated and I’ve been hurt by the people I trusted the most. Letting you in, trusting you, wasn’t something I saw as easy. Nothing was easy in my life. Everything was over-thought, but with you, I forgot about everything. When I was with you everything flowed perfectly. I had you and I thought I had the power. My biggest worry was hurting you, not the other way around. My life was on track, running two successful websites at 19, happy and comfortable with who I was. Still, I keep checking my phone for maybe a message from you, but why?

You are now dating someone, but continue to text me that you’re unhappy after I tell you that hearing about you and your girlfriend hurts me. You come over to help me with something, and act like someone who doesn’t have a girlfriend only to bring me down more. Being with you was different, it was normal, and felt like it was something that was meant to happen.

When I first saw you this year I remember telling my friend, “I don’t care on whether or not this happens, because I could never fall for him, he’s not my person”.

The annoying things you would do when we were friends became weirdly adorable and something I miss. The thing about all douchebags is they know how to talk. They know how to make you feel liked, cared for, and as though you have all the power. The thing was I actually had no power. Not even a fraction of it. When one little thing went wrong, I fell to you for forgiveness. I said sorry for things when I knew I did nothing even remotely wrong, just to make you happy. I gave into you and forgot my promises and my beliefs.  

When I think about everything I can’t think of one thing I’ll miss the most about it, because I’ll miss all of it. I’ll miss you always being there, all the weird shit you would do that I’d find hilarious, and being able to show an emotion that wasn’t stress. You were my break from reality and when I was with you nothing else seemed to matter. Everything would get done and I would still be able to break away a little and see you.  

The worst part was that last night; I’ll always remember how stupidly happy I was with you. When we were together, I had no idea everything would turn into a complete mess.  Everything now is either completely upside down, or reminds me of times when those weird things you do used to make me laugh. You’re like a temporary douchebag. You care for people up to a certain extent and when it’s convenient to you. During that time you’re great, but when you don’t need someone anymore, you’ll drop them and only pick them up when you miss someone caring about you.  

When you don’t need me, you can’t be bothered. When I need you everything is a challenge to get one word out — it’s hostile and dramatic. When you need me, I have to take it. If I don’t, I’m not a good person, not a good friend. I take in your pain and problems even when it is not my responsibility anymore, but your girlfriend can’t be bothered with it.  

After all this time, why do I still think about you? I wonder if you’re ok, I wonder if you care.  But if you cared, I would know. If you have to question about if the people in your life care about you, then I don’t believe they do. It’s the honest truth, it’s better to cut the people out of your life that do not care if you leave anyway. 

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