An Open Letter to My First Love

Dear X,

I’m writing this letter because over the years I’ve tried to forgive you, but I don’t think it’s possible.  One thing I hold over everything is honestly, you broke through all my walls only to build them up two times higher, and then you pulled the plug.  When we parted it should have been the end, before all the lies, hurt, and all the time I lost.  My life I loved will never be the same after you.

As you hurt me, as you insulted my intelligence, and made me feel small; I fell so hard in love with you, and now I feel numb, nothingness.  Everything you said and promised me about the future was only a fabrication of what you thought I wanted, to make me stay, and make me love you.

After all this time, I ask myself, why I loved you.  There were so many moments when I just wanted to shut down and end everything before things got complicated and hard.  When I moved away I realized how much you meant to me, and leaving you felt like a part of my body ripping apart.

You broke me more than I ever thought humanly possible.  I was never the girl to be crying over anything; I was stone cold and you were the first person to make me express love.  Every part of me loved you.  When I was having a stressful day at school and you would say how much you missed me and you couldn’t wait until I was home.

When I look back at us, letting you in was all my fault.  You were the attractive vampire I let into my house, and took all the life out of me.  Your smile and the way you held me, made me melt, into a lovestruck teenager I would have said “Oh honey” to.  When you would say you were too tired to do something, or busy, I should have seen through it.  When you made these excuses it seemed harmless, and I believed and trusted you.

In the end you were not a mistake, if anything you are one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.  You made me realize that someone like you is the last thing I need in my life.  Even though I don’t find you a negative part of my life, the good parts of us outnumber the painful moments by a great deal.  But you did something that I don’t find forgivable.  Cheating is something I find unforgivable.  Promising to be faithful to someone and breaking that promise is not a mistake.  It’s not forgetting an anniversary or not calling me back.  It’s something I had to get over on my own.  I had to learn to get through my stressful college days without a sweet call from you.  Coming home without escaping with you, I had to learn to live without love.

Wherever you are in the world right now, I do hope you’re happy.  Even though I will never forgive you, and never be able to open up and connect to someone easily.  The only thing I would ever want to say to you is: don’t treat people like this.  If you’re going to be with someone, be honest with them, and don’t hurt them.

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